Well, it's 5:51AM right now, and Adam's Song by Blink 182 is playing in the background, how
appropriate...
So you're here because you want to know how/why someone told me I don't know what being in
love is. And I'm here to let you know how ignorant some people really can be.
I'd been talking to this girl, and we'll name her here b/c she deserves your criticism, Angela.
After going on a date with her (read as "Mistake #1"), we'd been talking one night and got into
a small argument (not really sure what it was about; this was quite some time ago). Out of
nowhere, she comes at me and says, You don't know what love is. Did I flip? You bet...
Here's the background (actually, I think this was quite near to the incident itself). I'd met
this girl online back when I was a sophomore in high school. Went to a track meet at her school.
Met her in person. Liked her. She was taken. I'm cool with that. That doesn't mean I can't
still have a crush...
We kinda just fell out of contact for the better part of three (yes 3) years. One day, sophomore
year of college, I'm sitting in my room, talking to my roommate at the time, Rob, and I'm
like, hmmm, let's see if she remembers me. We start talking. Like several weeks later
(that could be like 2 months or more, I don't remember anymore; trying to forget), we decide
that her computer needs a new install, so I offered to do it for her. Hey, it was one way
to get back into her life. I head over one night (off campus apartment, Rutgers) and spend a few
hours there. We agreed previously to spend the next day getting back in touch (read reacquainted).
I had a blast. Saw Blade 2, chilled at Monmouth mall. I was with her, wtf did I care?
See that underlined part there? That's the key...
Now, if you know me, you know this story, because it still makes me blurry-eyed (i.e., tears) when
I think about it (i.e., right now). That school year/summer, we got close; hit it off right away.
Or at least I thought...
Here's where the story gets good. After that weekend, I called her up and asked her out on a
date. She said, I'm kinda seeing someone, sorry. I'm like, s'all good. (To me, that answer
implied maybe if it didn't work out, we can give it a try, and that's what the consensus about it
is.) After that, we hung out every weekend. As we once put it, we have no one to hang out with
'cept each other. Honestly, I couldn't have asked for anything better.
I am not going to get
into what happened with the "seeing someone" because that's just not relevant.
I remember
sitting on the couch in her basement watching a movie thinking to myself that there was only one
way for that moment to be better, but I knew she was kinda seeing someone, etc. (Ok, so I'll
indulge: She was "involved" with a girl in Florida...) I just wanted her, plain and simple.
In all my 21+ years, I've only felt completely comfortable with one person, her. I asked both my
current roommate (Zach) and my old one (Rob) how they knew that they loved their girlfriends and
gave that "euphoric invulnerable" feeling as an example, and they concurred, so I know I'm not
(completely) off my rocker. And that's how I felt about her. Every time I left her house, after
every hug I've ever gotten from her, I would get in my car and immediately would feel like I, well,
I can't describe the void that was left. It's quite painful, actually. One night, on the way
home, I was talking to Adge, and she was like, you can't keep doing this to yourself, knowing
full well she was right. Enter beginning of summer break. Long segment short, she flat out
tells me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. As of this writing, that was over 19 months ago.
Can you tell it still hurts? It's like smoking: If you can remember when you had your last
cigarette, you haven't quit. I'm not over her. Probably won't be, for a long time. This all
came up a few nights ago, at Dunkin' Donuts with 2 friends. We were talking about high school
stuff and Freshman/Sophomore years of college (actually, we were talking about a play we all
went to see up at my college over a weekend at which this girl slept over) and it has, obviously,
brought back some unpleasant memories, but who's fault is this other than my own?
Well, that about explains why I will severly injure anyone who tells me that I don't know what love
is.
Did I ever once say here that I loved this girl, or did I neglect to mention that little detail?
Come to think of it, I'm not even sure if I ever actually told her, completely, how I felt...Goddamn,
I am a loser...
Ah, fuck it...
As the Def Leppard song that just came on's title says, I've got A Long, Long
Way to go...
End time: 6:25am
Email
Lyrics to the song:
You held my hand and then you slipped away
And I may never see your face again
So tell me how do to fill the emptiness inside
Without love, what is life?
And anyone who knew us both can see
We always were the better part of me
I never wanted to be this free
All this pain, does it go away?
Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
I know I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
To you, to you
From memory, there is no hiding place
Turn on the TV and I see you there
In every crowd there's always someone with your face
Everywhere, trying not to care
Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
I know I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
To you, I wish you everythin'
And all the best that life can bring
I only hope you think of me sometimes, oh
And even though I feel the pain
I know that I will love again
The time will come, oh, and I'll move on
I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way to go, got a long way to go
Before I can say goodbye, before I say goodbye
To all I ever knew, to all I ever knew
I got a long, I got a long, long way to go, long way to go
Before I can say, before I say, goodbye to you
Say goodbye, say goodbye
Oh, I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
Girl, I wish you the best I know, oh and all of the rest, to you
I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you